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20121027
20121104
Search Results 0 to 37 of about 38 (some duplicates have been removed)
, it seems like it began in 2008. >> who is the real barack obama? >> obama is a big risk. >> we don't know anything about obama. >> what does he plan for america? >> you know, old ben kenobie asks a reasonable question, but unfortunately the answer can only be found on bull [bleeped] mountain. a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... well, actually, it's just fox news headquarters right on sixth avenue. it's not that far. 2008, barack obama was a new hope. the empire was uneasy. >> mr. obama should become president, i rally believe it will be hard to stop the economy from being socialized. >> the al qaeda and the radicalists an their supporters will be dancing in the streets. >> i'll bet that this market drops significantly. >> he's going to have an effort to eliminate freedom of speech for rush limbaugh and sean hannity. >> the rights of law-abiding gun owners will be at risk. >> barack obama wants to depopulate the countryside and make us ride around on bicycles. [laughter] >> jon: while the economy is not yet socialized, islamists burn effigies of obama, the stock market doubled, li
this is the third and-- thank god-- final debate between barack obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made
announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof that obama's white half is also black? [ laughter ] no, even bigger. trump dropped a ten-mega-trump bombshell. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications; and if he gives his passport applications and records; i will give to a charity of his choice-- inner city children in chicago, american cancer society, aids research, anything he wants-- a check, immediately, for five million doll
that obama has done nothing to stop. >> we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time (laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed
britney spears, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners and losers, he likes picking losers. >> half of them, the ones invested in have gone out of business. >> jon: holy crap! is that true, half? 63 energy companies got significant federal stimulus money and three and a half years later five have gone bankrupt. so that is half, 50%, that's amazing. that's-- what? oh, that's not the same number, hold on-- oh, it's actually 8%, man. i really have to get a zune. (laughter) and
this and he deserves great credit. >> stephen: oh, come on! you're praising obama just because he declared new jersey a disaster area? johnny carson did that for 30 years! (laughter and applause) hay-oh! thank you, michael. stay dry up there. folks, it's one week before the election and christie is praising a democrat. what's next? a democrat praising christie? it's unnatural! it's like kissing your sister! which, by the way, will be federal law if obama is reelected. (laughter) then today christie and obama went on a tour of hurricane damage. barack obama stole mitt's date to disaster-prom! folks, none of this surprises me. none of it! (cheers and applause) none of this surprises me. hurricanes have a well-known liberal bias. first katrina tainted george bush's presidency. then isaac wiped out the first day of the republican national convention. now hurricane sandy. sandy, what kind of name is that? are you a dude storm or a lady storm? oh, big surprise, just when obama needs a boost, who shows up but a gender-ambiguous weather system, a category 5 by cure cane. (laughter) hey, hey, don't get
the next 18 days! >> jon: obama couldn't find a stack of old newspapers in an episode of "hoarders" i'm telling you. this guy couldn't find a container at the container store, i'm telling you. obama couldn't lead a bunch of eels to the sargasso sea-- their natural spawning grounds. (laughter) so, you know, look it up. but that was, of course, when america was still living in a pre9 '11 storm surge mentality. >> i want to thank the president personally for his personal attention to this he accelerated the major disaster declaration for new jersey without the usual red tape. the cooperation from the president of the united states has been outstanding. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> jon: yeah, i guess he found that (bleep)ing light switch, huh? (cheers and applause) great credit -- to his great credit tkorb his great credit, chris christie realized the storm was real and that he had a job to do as governor so it was time to slalom down bull (bleep) mountain and deal with this obama, not this obama. (laughter) not everybody got the memo. >> over the
's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by the way, apparently the classic italians are going to move american jeeps making jobs to china. why you say these things, mitt romney. kuz now i gotta makea the nice people of ohio say another ad saying that's [bleep]. >> after romney's false claim of jeep outsourcing to china chrysler itself has refuted romney's lie. >> jon: how out there is mitt romney, i a car company, the people who convince you you need the undercoating are coming after him for his dishonesty. (laughter) you might say well hey, why don't they just turn off the tv and leave the house and live their life. >> because you can't hide, because the candidates are [bleep] everywhere. >> it's goods nobody toldo, ohio.
>> that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> puts his arm behind barack obama's back. >> the president will maneuver, he will get a couple smacks back, bam, right here, tag fixes his pants and gets in this broadside display like captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (c
to support president obama. i have a pennsylvania line in my speech an captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and
toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive. all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. they make decision on what's up here. the shape of their skulls, okay. (laughter) you see phrenology tells us that if women lack a prominent occipital ridge, okay, right across this area, that means they eschew causality, a propensity seen here in the skull of this octoroon murderer. okay, now of course the simplest way to predict a woman's political leans, throw them into the river. if they float, then-- (cheers and applause) and speaking of witches, folks, halloween is right around the corner. but unf
. the national guard is assisting the jersey shore. governor chris christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone service and my t1 line is still lightning fast. and my toast certificate still making top-notch toast. but i did have to take in my neighbor allen after he lost power. i set him up on a cot in the gar achblingt he should feel right at home surrounded by all of his tools i have borrowed. (laughter) i told him-- (applause) i told him if he gets cold just start the car. (laughter) but folks, that is nothing compared to the ordeal i went through this morning. you see, mayor bloomberg's letting only cars with three or more passengers cross the bridges and tunnels into manhattan. an of course normally it's just me and my driver hector. so this morning i had to-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm sor
Search Results 0 to 37 of about 38 (some duplicates have been removed)